Hey, I'm sober this time! On a more important, and far less hilarious note, the Colts play the New York Jets TONIGHT on Monday Night Football (7:30, ESPN, 55.5, plz watch). You shouldn't need any extra reasons to cheer for the Colts (I like the Colts, isn't that enough?), but I am just bored enough to give you some reasons anyway. Yay college.
1. ANDREW LUCK: Honestly, this is the only relevant point on this list. The NFL is a quarterback-driven league. Andrew Luck is a top five NFL quarterback (anyone who disagrees: hit me up, let's fight). The Jets' quarterback? Ryan Fitzpatrick. He went to Harvard and, well, that's about it. Andrew Luck is the future face of the NFL. Fitzpatrick was great in Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. All jokes aside, Fitzpatrick is not good while Andrew Luck is good. Plus, how can you not root for this face?
2. THE JETS AREN'T GOOD: C'mon. Why would you root for a bad team? Saying you're a Jets fan is like admitting you are Canadian or you like Justin Timberlake; why embarrass yourself? Sure the Jets might be 1-0, but they beat the Browns, and the Browns are the Jimmy Fallon of the NFL. Also, the Jets play in New Jersey. The NEW YORK Jets play in NEW JERSEY. At least the Colts know where they play. Learn some damn geography, Jets.
3. THE COLTS DON'T PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE: Seriously, read this. This would never happen Indianapolis. Andrew Luck wouldn't even need a plane ticket to a teammate's football camp, he would just magically teleport there. The Colts would never employ someone whose name is text lingo for "I know." Only "thank you" for the Colts. (That is a T.Y. Hilton joke. Please laugh at my jokes.)
4. I AM RUNNING OUT OF REASONS: Just root for the damn Colts my God please don't make me go on any longer. Just read this and say "I am cheering for the Colts they are my favorite team wow Alex is very persuasive I should give him $2" or something along those lines and I will know. Call it a mother's intuition, but I will know. You know what? Don't call it a mother's intuition. Just go with the assumption that I am psychic. Yeah, psychic.
5. PLEASE: I try never to beg for anything, because it comes off as weak and Canadian, but I am a RED WHITE AND BLUE-BLOODED AMERICAN WHO LOVES HIS FOOTBALL AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME THEN WELL YOUR JUST A IDIOT ALSO OBAMA IS SATAN GO DONALD TRUMP. Yeah, cheer for the Colts tonight so I never have to do that again.
PREDICTION: Colts 69 - Jets 2.
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