Aspergers

Wow, one month already.  

Hey, Alex; what do you mean one month?

Well, Jesus Christ would you let me finish my goddamn thought. At midnight, when it becomes May 25, it will be one month since I found out (maybe) have Asperger's- which is capitalized so you know it's important. I first learned of this while, in a drunken stupor, someone said, "Hey Alex, do you have Asperger's?" At first I was like "omg wtf is aspergers lolz.:" But then, something crazy happened: EVERYONE FUCKING AGREED WITH HER. "Yeah, I've wondered that too" was the general consensus around the room, which just added to my alcohol-enhanced confusion. I decided, "Hey let's look this up (I definitely didn't spell Asperger's wrong like three times) and prove these people wrong. Yeah, right.

Some symptoms of Asperger's (from webmd.com) include:

1. Problems with social skills
2. Eccentric or repetitive behaviors
3. Unusual preoccupations or rituals
4. Communication difficulties
5. Limited range of interests
6. Coordination problems
7. Skilled or talented

Now let's see if those symptoms match up to my behaviors:

1. HAHAHAHAHA yes
2. HAHAHAHAHA yes 
3. HAHAHAHAHA yes  
4. HAHAHAHAHA yes 
5. HAHAHAHAHA yes  
6. surprisingly no
7. I tweet more than I should so *shrugs*

Now, let's imagine you are VERY DRUNK WHEN YOU FOUND ALL OF THIS OUT. It was super hilarious (I actually think I high-fived people, but don't quote me on that), and I basically ignored it and talked about various NBC shows (fuck you, Colin Jost) with a bunch of ladies until I randomly walked out mid-conversation (I think). In the month since that wonderful, extremely confusing night, several things have faded, mostly the conversation pieces (IF SOMEONE COULD TELL ME WHAT I TALKED ABOUT THAT WOULD BE GREAT) but one thing has remained: the Asperger's. Do I actually have Asperger's, hell maybe, but I guess the mystery is a part of the fun. So, I won't consult a doctor AHAHAHA.

PS: Parents and relatives get all defensive if you say you might have Asperger's so just don't mention it, OK?

Disclaimer: I literally give no shits if I have Asperger's or not I am just more bored than you can even imagine right now so this is happening.

Finals Week

Hello all. Finals week is upon us, so I figured I would try to help everyone on their quest to get good grades.

DON'T BE A FUCKING BITCH: That's right! If you don't know something? FUCKING LEARN IT! If you have a question about something? FUCKING ASK IT! If you know everything that will be on the final? WOW CONGRATS NERD MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND MORE TIME NOT BEING SUCH A NERD AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE SO INSECURE WITH YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED CONSTANT VALIDATION FROM A TOTALLY OBJECTIVE SOURCE... nerd.

PRIORITIZE: This is pretty self-explanatory. Let's say you have a final where you need a 45% to get an A and a different final where you would need to get a 80% to get an A in the course, which do you think you should spend more time studying for? I'm not even going to answer that question, the answer is so obvious. If you don't know the answer? Well then YOU SHOULD OBVIOUSLY BE STUDYING MORE BECAUSE ONLY A COMPLETE FUCKING DUMBASS WOULD NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION HELL YOU PROBABLY WOULD NEVER HAVE A SCENARIO LIKE THAT IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GET A 100% ON EVERY FINAL JUST TO PASS THE FUCKING CLASS YOU DUMB SACK OF SHIT.

CHEAT: That's right, cheat! If you don't know the answer, and you ignored my first suggestion, cheating is literally *Chris Traeger voice* the only other option you have left. There are tons of fun ways to cheat! You can write the answers on your arm, but make sure you you sit in the back of class so you don't get caught! You can even print out a fake drink label that has every equation or formula you need to get an A on that pesky Calculus test! What's that? You're worried you might get caught and fail the class? Hmm... Well, maybe if YOU WEREN'T A FUCKING LOSER THE FIRST 4 MONTHS OF THE SEMESTER YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO RESORT TO FUCKING CHEATING NOW WOULD YOU YOU WORTHLESS CUM DUMPSTER JESUS SPEND MORE TIME READING YOUR NOTES AND LESS TIME POISONING YOUR LIVER AND YOU WOULD NOT BE IN THIS SITUATION GODDAMN I DO NOT WANT TO BE PAYING FOR YOUR LAZY ASS TO COLLECT WELFARE IN THE FUTURE SO YOU BETTER SHAPE UP RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF YOU HAVE TO CHEAT TO DO THIS 

Those are the only tips I can give you. If these tips don't help you, then you are definitely beyond help and should probably seek a professional's assistance to cure you from your TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE BEHAVIOR THIS LIST TOOK LIKE 7 MINUTES TO WRITE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO JUST SIT THERE AND DISS ME AND SAY "OH WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY KNOW HE'S JUST AN ASPERGER-Y DUMB FUCK" WELL THAT MAY BE RIGHT BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT THE IDIOT READING THIS STUPID FUCKING LIST AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING BECAUSE YOU ARE UP LATE BECAUSE YOU ARE AN INSOMNIAC OR YOU ARE MORE CONCERNED WITH YOUR DAMN NERDY-ASS GRADES THAN YOUR PERSONAL WELL-BEING JEEZUS FUCK EVERYTHING I'LL JUST LEAVE