5 REASONS TO CHEER FOR THE COLTS TONIGHT

Hey, I'm sober this time! On a more important, and far less hilarious note, the Colts play the New York Jets TONIGHT on Monday Night Football (7:30, ESPN, 55.5, plz watch). You shouldn't need any extra reasons to cheer for the Colts (I like the Colts, isn't that enough?), but I am just bored enough to give you some reasons anyway. Yay college.

1. ANDREW LUCK: Honestly, this is the only relevant point on this list. The NFL is a quarterback-driven league. Andrew Luck is a top five NFL quarterback (anyone who disagrees: hit me up, let's fight). The Jets' quarterback? Ryan Fitzpatrick. He went to Harvard and, well, that's about it. Andrew Luck is the future face of the NFL. Fitzpatrick was great in Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. All jokes aside, Fitzpatrick is not good while Andrew Luck is good. Plus, how can you not root for this face?

2. THE JETS AREN'T GOOD: C'mon. Why would you root for a bad team? Saying you're a Jets fan is like admitting you are Canadian or you like Justin Timberlake; why embarrass yourself? Sure the Jets might be 1-0, but they beat the Browns, and the Browns are the Jimmy Fallon of the NFL. Also, the Jets play in New Jersey. The NEW YORK Jets play in NEW JERSEY. At least the Colts know where they play. Learn some damn geography, Jets.

3. THE COLTS DON'T PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE: Seriously, read this. This would never happen Indianapolis. Andrew Luck wouldn't even need a plane ticket to a teammate's football camp, he would just magically teleport there. The Colts would never employ someone whose name is text lingo for "I know." Only "thank you" for the Colts. (That is a T.Y. Hilton joke. Please laugh at my jokes.)

4. I AM RUNNING OUT OF REASONS: Just root for the damn Colts my God please don't make me go on any longer. Just read this and say "I am cheering for the Colts they are my favorite team wow Alex is very persuasive I should give him $2" or something along those lines and I will know. Call it a mother's intuition, but I will know. You know what? Don't call it a mother's intuition. Just go with the assumption that I am psychic. Yeah, psychic.

5. PLEASE: I try never to beg for anything, because it comes off as weak and Canadian, but I am a RED WHITE AND BLUE-BLOODED AMERICAN WHO LOVES HIS FOOTBALL AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME THEN WELL YOUR JUST A IDIOT ALSO OBAMA IS SATAN GO DONALD TRUMP. Yeah, cheer for the Colts tonight so I never have to do that again. 

PREDICTION: Colts 69 - Jets 2. 

Bear With Me...

DISCLAIMER: These thoughts will be completely incoherent and should not be taken seriously by anyone. Also, I keep trying to put an "a" in just.

Hi. Hello there. My name is Alex. Please just call me Alex, not Al or anything like that. This isn't a damn Paul Simon song. (NP: You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon. Uh oh.) I don't really have anything to say (or worth your time to hear), I just need a place to vent about stuff. Nothing in particular, just stuff.

I'm a senior, which is totally terrifying. I know it's not true (AT ALL) but my weird brain somehow is able to convince me that literally everyone has their shit figured out. Everyone but me, that is. The only thing I know is that I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO NEXT. When I tell people I'm a History major (lolz, i know), they often give me a confused glance, followed by a "...So you gonna be a teacher or what?" I should retract my earlier statement: I  have no idea what my future holds BESIDES the fact I do not want to be a teacher. I would be the worst teacher ever; it's low-key hilarious to think about. If you've never seen me give some kind of public speech or presentation then stay away, it is an absolute mess. On top of that, I'm #bad at explaining things and all types of verbal communication, so teaching might not be for me. My grandpa is pushing for law school, which is a better option than a teacher but still something I'm not totally into. One guy I worked with over the summer suggested I should be an engineer. I'm not really sure that guy understood how majors work...

So yeah, that's the first of my problems. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Honestly, I would be totally fine with some desk job punching numbers into a spreadsheet for the rest of my life, but that's only because I am a super-strange guy who appreciates small, repetitive tasks that a desk job lends itself to. Did that make any sense? Probably not, but nothing makes sense to me right now. (I'm pretty sure I have been talking to myself the entire time I've been writing this, and what I've been saying is WAYYYYY crazier than what I've been typing.)

You know what else? (I legit can't even do transitions right now so this is finna be choppy as hell.) Over the summer, it was (inadvertently) brought to my attention that my mom got married when she was 23 (If you are reading this you know who you are. YOU OWE ME. Just kidding. It's cool.) I am 21 right now, so I've got, like, two years, right? WRONG. I'VE GOT LIKE 14 MONTHS. HA GREAT. Now, is it totally irrational to assume that since my mom got married when she was 23 (my dad was 25) that I need to get hitched ASAP or I'm in big trouble? Likely, but that doesn't mean it isn't still strange to think about. I can't fathom getting married at all right now, there is way too much shit flowing through my brain to do that. And to top it all off, I came a little over a year later, which makes me freak out even more. I'm only remotely thinking about this because I have the exact same personality as my mom, so it's basically like we are the same person, just with about 24 years separating us, besides the totally obvious differences (I'm a dude, she's a chick; I'm super cool and awesome, she's not). So yeah. Life, man.

Sorry for being so windy and venty (new word). It's just that I spent 25 minutes walking around by myself outside and I spent the whole time over-thinking everything that has happened to me since the beginning of last year, which I tend to do. I needed a forum to express what I'm feeling and what's going on in my mind, which is a lot. Basically, if you read all of this you are awesome and I love you. Thanks for listening. Maybe someday I'll be able to do this face-to-face with people instead of face-to-computer screen.

Also, I just realized I have had "You Can Call Me Al" playing on repeat since I made that lame Paul Simon joke. I think I said I was 7 zooted earlier. That is a damn lie. I'm like 9.5 zooted. I'm going to bed. Hopefully I have no life-altering dreams or visions whilst I snooze.

BYE.

Why the Original Pokemon Theme Song is the Greatest Song Ever Written

BECAUSE IT IS.

A STORY OF ME

Hi all. I had to write an Autobiography for one of my classes a few weeks ago, and I liked how it turned out, so I thought I'd share it. Keep in mind, the assignment only allowed for us to write 3 pages worth of stuff, so it may seem a bit rushed. And if you don't like it you can fuck off (because I got an A on it so I don't give a shit what you think unless it's positive.) 

 Thanks!

    -Alex

           

           My story begins in the second-largest city in the state of Indiana: Fort Wayne. I came into the world on November 2, 1993, at 2:30 AM, a full two weeks after my original due date (sorry, Mom.) I spent my childhood, which coincided with the birth of my sister (Samantha, named after my mom’s childhood dog) in 1996, roaming Rosemont Drive, a fairly mundane street, save for when the school across the street started and got out. I spent most of my early days breaking various bones in my body, mostly fingers. When I realized that I wasn’t a fan of frequent hospital visits, I decided that I would turn to reading, a much less dangerous source of enjoyment, although paper cuts can be a pain. From reading, I was able to fall in love with one subject: History.

Some of my earliest scholastic memories involve reading a book on presidents, and bringing that book to show-and-tell almost every week, each time talking about a different president. From this, I made my first friend. Adam was a year younger than I was, but when I saw him playing in his yard, talking about William Howard Taft and how fat he was, I knew we were soulmates, at least until I moved away two years later and never spoke to him again. I spent my early-elementary years cultivating this friendship, welcoming a new baby brother (Chandler, named after the sarcastic guy in Friends) in January of 2001, and becoming more engrossed in presidential history, at least until my life turned upside down in the summer of 2001.

On a warm June day, Adam and I noticed a peculiar sign in my yard; a sign that said “FOR SALE.” Obviously, this had to be some mistake, so Adam and I spent countless hours (actually about five minutes) trying to remove this wretched sign from the ground in which it was entrenched, but it was all useless. I moved away from Fort Wayne, and everything I ever knew, to a strange town known as “Logansport,” where we lived with my aunt for two months until we found a reasonable place to live. I began attending All Saints Catholic School in 2^nd grade, which started with me forgetting my gym shoes and having to sit out P.E., which alienated me from my new classmates. I hated my new school. The nuns were mean, most of my classmates were snobs, and I had the hardest time figuring out what that white thing was on the priest’s neck. Luckily, I had my books to keep me company, as well as a new interest emerging: Pokémon!

Unfortunately, the more I played Pokémon, the less time I spent reading and expanding my surprisingly-vast (for a 2^nd grader, at least) knowledge of the presidents, much to the chagrin of my parents. I changed schools, and with the change came even more identity switches. I began getting into sports and music, especially. My weekends consisted of watching football (Go Colts!) and playing with various neighborhood rascals. More and more, I began forgetting about the subject I had so adored just a few years earlier. As elementary school turned to middle school, and I welcomed another brother (Colby, named after the cheese) in the summer of 2006, I had almost completely forgotten about how much I loved history.

My middle school days consisted mostly of two areas: music and sports. I was remarkably-average at the sports I tried (except long jumping- I was terrible at that) but was able to find more success as a musician, originally playing the trumpet. Middle school flew by, and before I knew it, I was a freshman at Logansport High School. Unfortunately, that was the only year I spent there as, once again, my mom had a kid (a girl this time, Emma, named after the child of my mom’s favorite Friends character) and we packed our mini-vans and drove west to Washington, Iowa. I spent three fairly-forgettable years in Washington, mostly spent playing in various music groups and being under the watchful eye of a controlling girlfriend. Thankfully, by the time the fall of 2012 rolled around, I was ready to embark on a new journey: college.

I had a fresh start at St. Ambrose, but I still mostly kept to myself. I had a small group of friends, but my friends were, and still remain, awesome, so it’s like a huge group. During my Freshman year, I convinced myself I wanted to be a Political Science major, a decision I regretted as soon as I took a political thought class my Sophomore year. However, as much as I hated my political classes, I found that my favorite class was a History role-playing class, one taught by Dr. Skillin. As odd as it may sound, I had actually forgotten how much I had loved History when I was younger, and I soon discovered that I loved it just as much now as I did back then. I began taking more and more History classes, loving each one in a different, but equally appreciative way. I became a History major, picked up an English minor (why not?) and now I’m a little over a year from graduating.

            I honestly have no idea what my future holds. I’m really hoping something will spark my interest fairly soon, as time is running out. A History degree lends itself to many different career paths, but I’m not quite sure which path I will follow. I may be uncertain about many things, but there is one thing I can say with 100% confidence: History will be involved. I still maintain my interest in sports, especially Colts football, and music, I play the Euphonium in the Symphonic Band, but history is special. I was never able to fully shake off the “history bug,” even after a nearly ten year hiatus, so why wouldn’t I want to do something in that field as a career?

 

 DISCLAIMER: None of the stories about my sibling's names are true. Except maybe the dog one. God, I hope that's true.

SNL IS BACK

Ah, SNL... It's great to have you back! The 40th (!!!!!) season premiere, hosted by Chris Pratt, had me excited but, honestly, the episode really didn't live up to my high expectations. Was it terrible? Absolutely not. Was it outstanding? No. It was a solid episode that showed positives that can definitely be expanded on, but still displayed some troubling tendencies.

Because I am such an eternal optimist (sarcasm), I will mainly focus on the things that I liked from the show. However, I have two pretty big gripes from this episode. First: Why can SNL not figure out how to end a sketch? There were some sketches that showed promise (like the Killam and Pratt He-Man and Lion-O one), that really fizzled at the end because, well, there wasn't an ending (although Ariana Grande really shut that sketch down before it was even over). If the writers could just improve on the endings to sketches, the overall quality of the episodes would be soooo much better. My biggest gripe deserves its own paragraph:

WHERE WAS KATE MCKINNON!??!?!?!

Who is the funniest cast member? Kate McKinnon is. Who was nominated for an Outstanding Supporting Actress Emmy? Kate McKinnon was. Which SNL was most criminally underused for this episode? You guessed it, Kate McKinnon. In an episode that really did a great job of displaying the talent of newcomers, it's a damn shame that SNL couldn't showcase the out-of-this-wordly talent of their most talented performer. But let's talk about good stuff.

Here is everything I liked about this episode: Kenan talking about school buses, Jay Pharoah's Shannon Sharpe impression, the Marvel short (I would watch all of those, especially the Pam movies), remembering how awesome Cecily Strong's recurring Weekend Update characters are, Leslie Jones, Michael Che (he's already better than Colin Jost and that's with a nervous beginning), anything with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney, and Kenan singing about Obama and how maybe his after-presidency may not be that great after all. But what did I like most of all?

PETE FUCKING DAVIDSON.

Holy crap, this is a way to make your debut on SNL. I have watched his segment like 3 times now, and I still think it is absolutely hysterical. He has an impressive confidence level for only being 20, a confidence that should grow as he becomes more comfortable and is used more frequently on the show. I was a bit skeptical about him at first- it really seemed like he would just be another Brooks Wheelan- but boy was I wrong. I don't know what it is, but this kid just has it. And, yes I can call him a kid because I am older than him, which really just makes me sad. He reminds me so much of a young Adam Sandler, back before Adam Sandler made really shitty movies and was actually really funny, and kind of looks like a cross between Jon Cryer and Andy Samberg, but oh well. Is 1 episode a bit early to judge one's performance a bit ambitious? Sure, but I just have this feeling about Davidson. The Pete Davidson rocket has lifted off, and I will fucking drive that thing to super-stardom if I have to.

Long live SNL.

Alex

COLTS VENTING

Ugh.

Just.... Ugh.

I don't have the words to describe what I saw tonight. Disappointing is a gross understatement. Pathetic is getting closer to what I'm looking for. Fireable? Well, not yet... But if we lose to Jacksonville then we can talk. I am just so grateful that the Colts play in the AFC South, where every other team is terrible.

You're probably wondering "Hey Alex, why are you so mad for. Haven't the Colts been to the playoffs the past two seasons? Don't they have an awesome QB? Don't they play in the worst division in the NFL?" Well, to answer all those questions: yes. The Colts have made the playoffs in consecutive seasons (and the still should make it this year), Andrew Luck is an exceptionally talented QB, and the Colts do get to play the Jaguars and Titans twice a year, so that is a positive. However that doesn't mean that there aren't problems with this team. There are a lot, both philosophical and personnel-wise.

The biggest problem I have with this team is the philosophy of the coaches. Coach Pagano preaches two things: running the football and stopping the run. Well, that wouldn't be so bad, until you remember the strengths of this team. On the offensive side of the ball it's pretty simple: the passing game. Look at all the weapons you have in the passing game; Andrew Luck is the best young QB in the game, your WR corps might be the deepest position on the team, and the strength of your offensive line is the offensive tackles. The weaknesses of the team? Interior line and running back. But keep running the ball Chuck.

On the defensive side of the football, the Colts preach stopping the run as the highest priority. Again, not a bad idea in theory, until you see that the team still sucks against the run. In order to get players to fit this (outdated) philosophy, the Colts bring in bigger players, who are (obviously) slower. What does this do? First, it really limits the pass rush that can be brought from base packages (God I miss Robert Mathis). Second, it doesn't really matter how well you can stop the run if you bring in players who can't tackle (I AM STARING RIGHT AT YOU LARON LANDRY...RIGHT AT YOU) if they even get in position to make plays. Is it sad that I think our cornerbacks and Andrew Luck might be the best tacklers on this team?

Besides the philosophical problems, this roster is really constructed poorly. There is virtually no depth. Sure, the Colts seem to suffer an abnormal amount of injuries, but the terrible qualities of the back-ups they have on the roster make the injuries even more noticeable. Ryan Grigson likes to overpay one of three things: marginal talent (D'Qwell, Gosder, Erik Walden), injury-prone role players (Toler, RJF, Donald Thomas, Art Jones), and people who are just plain bad (LaRon, DHB, Samson Satele). On top of the poor free agent signings, Grigson hasn't had a good draft (or you could even argue he hasn't made a good pick) since the 2012 gold mine, and he traded our 2014 1st round pick for TRENT FREAKING RICHARDSON (you know it's bad when people say he had his best game and he still only averaged 3.8 YPC and fumbled twice). Ughhhhhh.

Well, I have a lot more issues with this team, but I am way too tired and way too behind on homework to keep going. Is all hope lost? No. Can this team still make the playoffs? Absolutely, yes. Is it possible for the coaching staff to have a Ron Rivera-esque transformation and for Ryan Grigson to totally change his free agent philosophy? Well, sure- but I'm not sure if that will happen. The worst part about all of this is that Andrew Luck is way too good and will mask a lot of the deficiencies this team has. Is all hope lost? No. Am I overreacting to one game? Ha... Probably. Are the Colts flawless? Hell no. But hey, at least we get the Jaguars next!

Find me on twitter if you want to tell me how dumb I am or how much you agree with me.

-Alex

Aspergers

Wow, one month already.  

Hey, Alex; what do you mean one month?

Well, Jesus Christ would you let me finish my goddamn thought. At midnight, when it becomes May 25, it will be one month since I found out (maybe) have Asperger's- which is capitalized so you know it's important. I first learned of this while, in a drunken stupor, someone said, "Hey Alex, do you have Asperger's?" At first I was like "omg wtf is aspergers lolz.:" But then, something crazy happened: EVERYONE FUCKING AGREED WITH HER. "Yeah, I've wondered that too" was the general consensus around the room, which just added to my alcohol-enhanced confusion. I decided, "Hey let's look this up (I definitely didn't spell Asperger's wrong like three times) and prove these people wrong. Yeah, right.

Some symptoms of Asperger's (from webmd.com) include:

1. Problems with social skills
2. Eccentric or repetitive behaviors
3. Unusual preoccupations or rituals
4. Communication difficulties
5. Limited range of interests
6. Coordination problems
7. Skilled or talented

Now let's see if those symptoms match up to my behaviors:

1. HAHAHAHAHA yes
2. HAHAHAHAHA yes 
3. HAHAHAHAHA yes  
4. HAHAHAHAHA yes 
5. HAHAHAHAHA yes  
6. surprisingly no
7. I tweet more than I should so *shrugs*

Now, let's imagine you are VERY DRUNK WHEN YOU FOUND ALL OF THIS OUT. It was super hilarious (I actually think I high-fived people, but don't quote me on that), and I basically ignored it and talked about various NBC shows (fuck you, Colin Jost) with a bunch of ladies until I randomly walked out mid-conversation (I think). In the month since that wonderful, extremely confusing night, several things have faded, mostly the conversation pieces (IF SOMEONE COULD TELL ME WHAT I TALKED ABOUT THAT WOULD BE GREAT) but one thing has remained: the Asperger's. Do I actually have Asperger's, hell maybe, but I guess the mystery is a part of the fun. So, I won't consult a doctor AHAHAHA.

PS: Parents and relatives get all defensive if you say you might have Asperger's so just don't mention it, OK?

Disclaimer: I literally give no shits if I have Asperger's or not I am just more bored than you can even imagine right now so this is happening.